Each day our lives are filled with change. Some are dramatic: diagnosis of a life-threatening disease, the sudden loss of an important relationship, a change in circumstances that forces adjustment to a well laid plan. Others are more subtle: shorter days, a nagging pain, awareness that you don't recover from an injury as quickly as you used to or noticing that your clothes are tighter than you'd like them to be. Last but not least are the changes we choose: moving to a different home, job or relationship.

These events are "stressors." Consciously or unconsciously they precipitate a thought, feeling and the behavior you choose in reaction to your stress. These responses can be healthy: taking a walk, meditating, lounging in a hot tub, or unhealthy: overeating, obsessing, or isolating. The multi-step process of acknowledging these steps, Stress-Thought-Emotion-Behavior is the basis of the work known as REBT-Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.

REBT was founded by Albert Ellis in the mid-fifties. It is a practical, action-oriented approach to coping with problems by focusing on currently-held attitudes, painful emotions and the maladaptive behaviors that sabotage our ability to fully experience life. Last week I watched the guru in action as he used a series of questions to uncover the expectations and personal rules that was leading to emotional distress (in this case, unresolved anger) in a volunteer from his audience. Ellis used a technique he calls "disputing" to help this individual reformulate their dysfunctional beliefs into more sensible, realistic and helpful ones. Ellis didn't dispute the anger itself-it was righteous under the circumstances described. What he helped this individual manage through intuitive questioning was the underlying belief that precipitated the quality of the emotion. Having done so, the stress induced thought and feeling could be used to change the frustrating conditions vs. using self defeating behaviors which are often impulsive and interfere with thinking and action.

Overcoming Self Defeating Behaviors is a workshop I developed when I first learned about REBT. It's now one of the most popular (and enjoyable to present) workshops in my assortment of breakout sessions so I was particularly pleased to see this guru in action. I was surprised, however, when Ellis ended his crusty presentation with a saying I first heard my mother repeat when I was young and in turmoil. It is the slogan for every 12 step program where acknowledging to make change we have to surrender to the awareness that the only person we can change is ourself. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Easier said than done? Of course. But it IS possible.

Books by Ellis you can use:

• A Guide to Rational Living,
• Guide to Personal Happiness,
• How to Control Your Anxiety Before It Controls You,
• Overcoming Procrastination; Or How to Think and Act Rationally in Spite of Life's Inevitable Hassles

Other authors of books with practical applications based on REBT are Aaron Beck and David Burns