How do you say goodbye when someone is stolen away unexpectedly at the cusp of his or her young life? You can't. That's the dilemma. There's an overwhelming sense of injustice that follows the shock of hearing words you never expected to hear, "XXXXX was killed in an accident yesterday." Not possible you think. He's only 32, with all the promise that comes with a new job and a new house in a new city. The lost potential, the unfulfilled dreams and the suffering those who love him are doomed to endure. And what about his wife--they're so in love--and the baby--how can he understand that he'll never see his daddy again? How do the parents, siblings and loved ones survive? Do broken hearts heal? Are their words to assuage the sorrow? How do we make sense of the senseless?

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist who did landmark work with the terminally ill in the 1960's described a "cycle" that she found each patient went through upon learning of their imminent death. That's evolved into calling it phases or stages of grief that, in or out of order, all affected by death--especially sudden/unexpected death of a loved one seem to share. Although it seems to simplify what I believe to be a complex process they are:

• 1. SHOCK--The feeling of numbness. "NO." It's too unreal
• 2. DENIAL--The 'it can't be true" thought evolves to a feeling that "maybe this is just a bad dream and when I wake up everything will be all right."
• 3. ANGER--Directed outward or inward ("If only I had…") You think, "how can everyone just go about their business when such a tragedy has just happened?"
• 4. MOURNING--Usually the longest phase. It can last for months or years and include immense sadness, loneliness, and sometimes depression, illness, guilt -- the list of possibilities is as varied as there are people who have the experience.
• 5. RECOVERY--Re-establishing our life and moving on. This seems misnamed. How can we ever recover from a world where nothing seems like it will ever be right again?

One or all phases can be accompanied by crying triggered for no apparent reason.

The father of my young friend eloquently described his experience of losing a beloved and adored son too soon. He spoke of the too quickly learned lesson of the meaning of the words, "I'd give my life" and the use of the words "survived by" when describing the family left behind. So many of us who lose a loved one would give our life to get theirs back and wonder if we will survive this injustice. He also described his experience of "falling in a hole" so dark and deep he thought he'd never escape. Immediately the poem I close each of my lectures with came to mind. I use it to help people understand that change is a process. Although it's directed to behavior change I like it better than the Kubler-Ross model to describe process and hope my friend moves beyond chapter one soon.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

By Portia Nelson

If you are grieving, attempt to find a copy of WHEN FALLING APART HOLDS YOU TOGETHER by William A. Miller, Augsburg Fortress Publishers